The voices in my head

Love is a mystical and yet powerful force. it has you dancing on sunshine and when the music stops, you’ll be crumbling down with no one to hold you, you have to be strong enough to pick yourself up and mend all your broken parts. But that shouldn’t stop you from falling in love, I don’t know about you but to me, love has to be the most beautiful and exhilarating experience. when I’m in love I feel alive, I’m whole and complete when I’m in love.

Today I’m in love, with my ‘lover’, I feel lost and found, I have no better words to describe what I feel, I know I’m in love but this time I’m uncertain, I’m not familiar with what I feel towards him. Ever felt at home away from home? I feel safe but still afraid, afraid of both the known and unknown.

I was excited to see him again, I could feel his energy around me, and every time our eyes meet I get weak to my knees, I try to ignore his presence, but his masculine energy is so enticing, His presence?! a feeling I can never forget.

His voice calms my soul, when he speaks I find myself staring at his lips, memories of the night we first kissed cross my mind, I love the command his voice has even when saying the sweetest things. And when he says my name and his Adam’s apple moves, I lose it, I just love everything about the way he speaks, the day he told me about his other lover I wished for a mute button, and I wanted him to stop.his words have never pierced through my heart as they did on that day.

I knew he was bad for me but that didn’t turn off my burning desire for him. The other woman existing stained my love with fear and uncertainty a never-ending conflict between my emotions and the voices in my head became a part of me. I would have internal debates with my morals, I wanted to fit social norms. unfortunately, or was it, fortunately? I hadn’t recovered from the drowsiness I got when I hit my head falling for him, there wasn’t a way I could make sane decisions not when I’m stupid in love.

He tried to warn me but It was too late, no one could save me, I didn’t want to be saved, Forgetting that love was a dangerous game, I played the game without the rules in mind, I don’t even know when it stops, I’m not even sure if my intentions are winning, losing or am I playing just for the thrill of it.

I didn’t want to dive this deep in love with him, what I thought was a little crush grew bigger than the ocean and now I feel like a scuba diver that can’t swim back to the surface. I’m lost but yet I feel found.

I love the smell of weed on him, it smells so divine mixed with his perfume and a hint of sweat. I love how he is with me, the way he would ask to hold my hand on the road, how he sometimes puts his hand around my waist as we walk, I put his hand away most times but I like it when he holds me, I can barely control my breathing when he is close to me. I love everything about him, but mostly his crooked cheeky smile. He gives me life. He’s everything I live for.

I want to know, I want to know if ‘my lover’ feels the same when I’m around him, I have so many questions I could ask, why does he have a helmet hanging by his door? Why does he still have his 2021 calendar? What’s so special about 2020? Does he want me to compete with women that were already in his life? I want to know about his girlfriend, I want to know what he thinks of her, I want to know everything but what’s the point while he’s not mine to keep?

I wanted him all for myself, I should have asked him earlier but I wasn’t sure if he felt the Same, is it too late cause he met another that he loves more. the one he’s bound to spend the rest of his life with.

I want to have him forever, our love is a secret we both need to keep . I find myself smiling when he calls, my words fail me every time but I’m happy when he calls, I want to call him always but what if it’s not safe to call, I want to spend the weekend at his but I don’t think that’s a great idea either.

I love him but I don’t belong in the shadows, I want to be loved loudly, and at the same time I want to experience his love forever, for him I don’t mind when I’m kept secret. sometimes I want him to take me places, I want to be with him around his friends, outside the four walls of his room. I want to be part of him.

All I need is love, I want to be free with him, I want to be loved by no one else but him, despite my doubts and fear I still fall deeper for him daily, I want to know when is it safe to confess my love to him, I don’t want to ruin what we share, I guess its only safe if I bottle my feelings, he doesn’t have to know, besides what change will it make? He’s found his better half that’s not me.

I finally feel loved and safe, although our love should be kept hidden, despite the obstacles and challenges that come with my love for him, I finally feel like I belong, his love feels like home, and I feel like I’m where I’m meant to be. wrapped around his arms on a lazy Sunday evening.

Love is confusing, love no longer feels safe, I pray for guidance, I don’t know what to do next, and I know I won’t regret when things don’t work out between us.our love is messy, complicated and challenging, love is a choice, love needs perseverance, I guess that’s the beauty of love. I just have to focus on the good.

I know we are not good for each other but I’m already addicted to his touch, I need to find myself before I get lost in his eyes again, I know he’s not mine to keep but I can’t help it, not all bad things are bad for us.

I know I might be emotionally damaged neither am I good at being affectionate but I want to put my guard down ,I want to experience love,the kind they sing about,I wish my love life was like in the movies.For how long should I wait for my ‘Prince Charming?!’

Kibera.The city under the sun,the heart of our very own Nairobi,a fusion of different cultures with a sense of communism, home to thousands of families since pre-colonialsm.a place full of hope and despire.

Kibera.A discord of children crying, laughing and singing,all in perplexing melodiousness.the non stop buzz from the vendors on the street, a town filled with hustle and bustle during the day and dull silent nights filled with dreams ,dreams of a better tomorrow,faded dreams and lived dreams ,A town full of silent cries and loud laughs

Kibera.A vibrant community full of talent and gifts, the undying zest and motivation, a place where you have to press your creative buttons and find a way out of the pits of poverty. A place where you have to keep watch of your valuables or you might easily lose them to that one person with the sticky hands,a community full of heroes and villains.

Kibera,A blend of beauty and chaos,but roses have thorns too they say,the daily resilience and never ending strength to fight against poverty is what keeps everyone going, the enemy is and has always been poverty, a place where communities are built In the face of adversity.a place where love and kindness is found in the most unexpected places, a place where the good outlooks the bad .

Kibera.A place of contrast ,a place where the struggles are real but humanity prevails,a place where dreams are valid.

Another day another blog about myself and I kid you not this is harder than I thought,maybe if I took time to self reflect and just try and interact more with myself this would have been easier ,if you only see me shouting out one of my favourite lines by nyashiski “nimeconfirm mi najijua!!”turns out out hakuna kujiajua najijua but Today things are about to change ..so here are 20 facts about me if I don’t make it to twenty then just assume sinanga mambo mingi,so I here goes nothing.

.I’m 5’9 tall.yes I’m a tall girl.

. I love blueberry cakes

.I’m an ambivert

.I enjoy watching vlogs on YouTube

.I’m always dreaming and thinking of the beach

. my favourite artist at the moment is Rum gold

.I love South African shows.

.I want to be rich and successful.

. when I’m sad I watch sitcoms

.I’m shortsighted.

.sunny days make me happy

.I have 2 cats

.I’m nice

.I love all my friends

.I can’t sing

I can’t dance

.smokie buns are my favourite snack.

.I love and enjoy Accostic music

.I can’t wait to get to the 20th fact about myself

.I ran out of facts .

That was a hard one ,whole time I’m thinking of reasons why a stranger would want to read random facts about me.

I haven’t done much research about personality traits but according to google, personality traits exist to pin down peoples characters and behaviours,the five personality traits is a theory developed in 1949,the personality traits described on the article I read were extroversion,agreeableness,openness,conscientiousness and neuroticism.I feel like I have all the five personalties,I am just glad I only have to write about the ones I’m proud of, I honestly don’t like that I could be neurotic,that’s my least favourite.

1.openness – openess includes imagination and insight.If it means being open minded then I’m proud that that’s a trait I have, it allows me to explore more and learn about things I couldn’t have learnt if I wasn’t eager about what happens when “this and and that ninis”… I don’t know if my habit of waking up with a new everyday also counts as being open to new ideas but if it does then I’m proud of the fact I allow myself to try and be bad at things with no shame whatsoever,don’t they say we have to suck at something to be good at it? I am proud that this is a trait I have cause its allowed me to have new skills and now I know random facts about things and places. I also love exploring the internet and all the new apps there can be.

2.agreeableness –agreeableness is having prosocial skills.I’m an empath who is emotionally intelligent, I feel like I’m emotional ly intelligent because, most times my friends come to me when they need someone to share their woes with also one time a friend even said to our common friend that she loves the fact that I know what say whenever she’s going through anything.Knowing that I made her feel better on her bad days and even happier on her good days!? Well it’s true a little kindness does go a long way,I also work as a social worker and its something I have always wanted to do for the longest.I’m proud that this is a trait I have because it makes it easy for me to be affectionate and kind to everyone around me.

3.conscientious –this involves high levels of thoughtfulness,and good impulse control,and goal directed behaviors.I’m not sure if this counts but I plan my days,I have to write down things I need to do everyday because I sometimes get carried away and forget to get things done so it only made sense if I had a to do list,to me that’s a goal directed behavior,the joy that comes with ticking things of my to do list is unmatchable,I sometimes procrastinate but I always ensure that the things I intended to do are done and completed ,I also think I have good impulse cause I’m careful enough not to intentionally hurt people with my words and actions, I am proud of this trait because it helps with my organizational skills and I get to be the one that plans dates among my friends which gives me a chance way to pick that joint have always wanted to try.

I wish I had my friends involve to tell me what traits best describe me,but its to late to involve them ,Selfassesment wasn’t that hard now that I have a vague understanding of what personality traits are.

My childhood memories are filled with fun and games I really did take that play hard advice from my teachers seriously and I would always get into trouble for always not finishing my school work.

I have so many memories from childhood but my earliest is when I fell of the back of a moving track, when i was five ,lol i must have been the weirdest five year old girl,my best friend was a boy so I spent most of my time around him and his friends and we played all sorts of games together ,one of our neighbours had a pickup ,whenever we saw him starting his car we would always run and dandia the back of his truck and jump off before he went too far from where we used to stay. So one day as I was about to jump on the truck I missed and hit the ground ,I even bruised my shoulder,That was the last time I ever tried jumping on or off a moving vehicle.

If only I could go back in time and relive those moments,I was always the loudest and bravest of my friends, I wonder where I got this shyness from ,I don’t remember being as shy when I was younger.

If you’ve been following me here, then you’ve noticed that I haven’t been posting for quite some time,the last blog I wrote was early this year,but things are about to change,I hope, a few days back I came a cross a months long writing prompts that really caught my attention and I immediately asked a friend of mine ,who is also a writer, to be part of this exciting trip, well ,more of a selfawarness journey.the challenge is to write something new about myself everyday for those thirty one days and I’m hoping that by the time we are done with the challenge I will no longer have a problem with people asking me to tell them more about myself.

A few days back I was called in for an interview and before I could get into the interview room one of the recruitment team members decides to hint me ,I understand his aim was to help but he made anxious,anxious because when I left home my dad had told me to be myself and things would be great but this kind man knew what the company needed and being myself wasn’t going to get me the job, he mentioned that the best personality fit for the job was an extrovert and genourously added a tip to the company’s secret “as you go in be as extroverted as possible,” he said ,and as I walked in the interview room I kept thinking of ways I could be extroverted and when I couldn’t think of an extrovted thing to say that’s when I knew the job wasn’t for me,I am an ambivert but my introverted side overpowers my extrovertism.

It was now time to introduce myself and I remember saying something like”hello my name is Gladys and I work as a social worker in kibera,” I went on and on about what my duties were as a social worker and this whole time the voices in my head were having a very heated argument, because I knew I was more than just a volunteer,I love what I do I just wasn’t at peace with myself ,it made no sense to me,why should my job become my whole personality, and I remembered how I never did limit myself when it came to introductions, I would proudly tell everyone I met my name ,my favourite color the school I went to what I had for lunch the new toy I just got my favourite introduction was “hey my name is Gladys and I am a soloist,”I really loved singing games and being the soloist was my greatest achievement as a kid.why can’t I be as vulnerable and honest to myself as I was as kid? I should have told her my name and my undying love for the arts but we have to accept that it reaches a point in life where being honest and open about yourself isn’t socially accepted.

I know I’m not the only one,but in my highschool years,I had to change my introduction to what was normal then and every time I met a guy I liked or girls I considered cool I always did say something like ,”hey I’m Gladys and my music of choice is hiphop,” I had to fit in with the cool kids I even spent my holidays learning all those rap songs I even don’t care about now,I couldn’t just be myself and tell everyone how much I loved spongebob and avocados because if I did maybe I wouldn’t have been friends with the coolest people in my school.Highschool was fun but I couldn’t wait for University.the thought of being a young adult thrilled me.

I was more excited about University ,Brownish might have over sold uni for me but I wasn’t disappointed much and when I got to uni my introduction had changed to “hi my name is Gladys and my major is Education.”I knew most people didn’t care about what I studied in university but at that momment that was the only suitable introduction.I didn’t do much in university maybe just hang out in my hostel and complain about deadlines and morning lectures.Experincing those slow and boring days made me realise that I didn’t enjoy being ‘safe’i needed to put myself out there , I was a bit aware of myself and I would with no shame let people know that my favorite artist group was hart the band and not Migos and with being true to myself my life was now filled with really great people,I’m a living testimony of the cliché saying that your vibe attracts your tribe. Cause now I have people to laugh with and experience everything I could ever think off without feeling weird about myself and I keep reminding myself that being truthful about who I was is what made my life so wonderful.

Today as an adult my name is meaningless and I am my job,How much i earn,and my indipendence as a woman,not than I hate my job I actually love and enjoy being there for those vulnerable children,I’m really passionate about lots of things I’m just disturbed by the fact that I can’t honestly talk about myself with just anyone without the fear of being judged .

The bagging question here is how should I introduce myself,its still not an easy one but you obviously know me quite well by now but in case I haven’t been so clear My name is Gladys and my favourite thing to do is put a smile on peoples faces,oh’ and my smile is beautiful and contagious