The voices in my head

Its a month to my birthday and I’m not really sure what I  to feel about it,I’m not excited ,I am turning 21 and I don’t think I’m ready.If only I was 12 again,that wasn’t my best year either but I don’t mind reliving it.

Growing older is inventible and I believe change is part of the problem,when I was 12 my only problem was the changes that comes with adolescence and probably my maths homework.

Now that have existed for two whole decades I have realized that as we grow older we are entitled to pick and follow our own paths that aren’t that smooth,everyone is likely to come across a rough patch and how you choose to cross it might have a great impact upon your life.

The best way to be alive is by living a life that’s true to yourself ,are you a good person cause you want to be one? Or are you a good person because you want to be viewed as one?, this is one of the many questions I keep asking myself.

I can’t be the only 20 year old that isn’t sure of who they are ,well I do know what I like and the kind of people I enjoy spending time with but there’s a lot I don’t know,but I do know where I want to be in life and I have a vague idea of what will get me there but there’s much I still have to know.

I feel like have lived through a 1/4 of my life and its truly not an easy task,I wonder how my autobiography had to be the hardest thing I have to write.if only growing younger was an option.

It bothers me that life is considered parrarel with cyclic events,we all are born to live and live to die.

It’s the first day of the month,third day of the week.Normally I’ll be excited or maybe not,quite not sure of the kind  mood I would be in ,if I wasn’t stuck at home.In my previous years,during this specific time of the year marked the beginning of the other half of the year.Today is when I’ll would probably go back to my resolutions. Normally, disappointed for not meeting my expectations .This year ain’t any different apart from the fact that I can now shelter my failure to achieve bla and bla under the alien that’s invaded the world.

So i’m going on with my un eventful day telling a friend of Mine how lately have been feeling overwhelmed and tired.catching up with another friend on how her baking skills are getting better . Nothing pretty unusual was happening ,I have my earphones on and you can tell I’m enjoying the type of music that was playing ,you could tell cause I was singing along as my head did that thing it does when euphonic music is playing .

It’s around 8.30pm when I decide to switch my phone on, (it wasn’t off off but you know when you pretend to be on a plane and intensionally a set your phone to flight mode? No? I do that karibu kila saa) soo I receive this phone call from one of my favorite friends and out of no where I think it’s safe to say I was walking on sunshine the whole time I had her on phone I don’t know if it’s cause she’s full of this bubbly nature or it’s cause she’s a good friend and I love her.

I really enjoyed talking to her mostly cause she believes I am a star and she repeatedly reminds me that I am a woman 😂, that’s supposed to make Me stronger I don’t know how it works but ,hey ,I truly am a woman.

I enjoyed every bit of that conversation even though most of it was us complaining about our miserable love lives, we added a bit of fashion tips here and there and maybe we mentioned something about nani *we found unusual and laughed kidogo about it.

I just love how open and free we can be when we are together, and how our phone conversation are only cut short by that beep that reminds us we didn’t have enough airtime . I’m really glad she called today.

I  love her to Rongai and back!!❤️❤️, thought I should add that she’s really beautiful with long beautiful hair and an amazing personality. Now you know why she’s my friend ,mostly cause of her personality and her undying love for the ARTs!!..

Okay am done know! 💛💚🐥✨🌼

Have been trying to understand what the word friendship really stands for lately, in my mind I had the general idea of it being an unbreakable bond between people with a common interest or habits.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that sits and thinks about life and how some past situationships and relationships turn out,I find myself reminiscing on the good nights and days I got to spend with my friends and how loudly we would laugh if one of us told a joke.

When I was younger I would really cry if someone didn’t want to be friends with me anymore and I would really wonder what I did wrong to deserve the brutality,I mean I was still an innocent child that only wanted a friend to play with but now that I’m older I’m learning that we have three categories of friendships,we have friends for a season,reason and lifetime.

If only things could turn out differently between A,B,C and l?if only I took a different approach,Maybe I should have written a letter,maybe I should have used better words to explain myself ,I don’t know but maybe I shouldn’t have said it the way I did,just maybe?

I believe that we should definitely do all that we can do to save a friendship or relationship that we value, however if it becomes draining it’s okay not to try too much,besides not everyone is meant to stick around forever,as much as not everyone enjoys watching their friendships fade away there are times we just have to let the ship sink.on the bright side we get to keep the lessons and memories with us ,if you are lucky you probably have a few pictures that have stories about your friendships and this situations help us grow and they pretty much strengthen us.

Friends that are for a reason only pass by our lives to teach us a lesson or help us grow and probably strengthen us ,the same thing with the seasonal friendships but we have friends that turn to family the friends that are ready to stick by you no matter what.friends that choose heart over matter the friends that still choose you even when you have no heart.

People come and go,it’s not really something that you would want to happen but it happens,and if you don’t try and stop it from happening you might get peace.In my opinion if you let those reason and seasonal friendships go you probably won’t lose everything but you will have gained memories,lessons and you probably have experienced growth .

The most beautiful thing about life is that we get to coexist with everyone and everything regardless of their age,size or beliefs

Don’t you think it’s amazing that strangers might meet in the bar and still start a conversation,a photographer and a sniper who just bumped into each other in a bar might enjoy their shots of tequila debating about taking a perfect shot .

I don’t know how You might feel about this,but I actually think it’s wonderful how we try to share hearty laughs and put smiles on peoples faces despite being on our low days.

It’s beautiful that we get to tap our emotions from staring at a color,it was just the other week that I actually learnt that bright colors might trigger hunger,hence explaining why most fast food joints are painted Orange ,yellow am not sure if green is also bright but it was on the list.

I actually think it’s amazing how we can actually travel the world on a low budget just by maybe reading about that city,culture or even country you’ve always wanted to visit some choose to travel the world through food and I think it really is beautiful.

Don’t you think it’s actually wonderful that everyone is born having a soulmate?the problem only comes when you have to find them,here I am proudly thinking that anyone passing by humming my favorite song must be my soulmate.

You only have to treat life as a canvas and paint your own reality to achieve euphoric emotions

Have been holding on with palms bleeding from unhealed scars.but my hands are sore now ,my vision blurred by the tears in my eyes. With only traces of what I believe was love,I reluctantly walk away .

Have dreamt of ‘us’ once

Laid out priorities but still wild and preposterous

You being a blessing and not a curse

Lost in our own universe

Being each other’s muse

Secret rendezvous without a care

Wrapped in my arms as I untangled your hair

Being all yours and still giving all reasons to stare

With nothing but Love to share

Nothing but bliss to bear

But We exist in the real world and such dreams don’t work out here

I strongly believe that Everyone has a part of their life that is filled with uncertainty, We all have self doubts , built up anger,we may be filled with fear,groundlessness,frustrations and it probably shouldn’t be a problem.

We are free to engage with our inner-selves and respond to the uncertainty of the universe and I really don’t see why people jump onto the word ‘insecure’ to brand a person for being self conscious.

I’m expected to smile and laugh all the time, and I feel like I’m mostly thinking. In reality, I know I’m probably not coming across as ugly or emotionally and mentally disturbed as I feel I am,but my experience is very much real to me.

Growing up receiving a lot of negative energy from friends,teachers and sometimes family might have taken a toll on me. There are days I wake up tired and wish life could come with an on and off button so I can have the privilege to turn mine off.

I don’t know if am living life in the right way,but on days I don’t wish death upon my life I only have enough enthusiasm for living through that day.

I spend large chunks of my time trying to picture how amazing life would be if I wasn’t me,how easier my life would be if I wasn’t the same height as the boys in my class,if my shoulders were less broad, I sometimes feel people would treat me better if only I had a perfect set of eyes that don’t need glasses to see,maybe people would finally think I was amazing if my teeth were smaller or maybe if I got better brains I would probably know what to do when things are tough.

I can’t even tell who I am anymore.I am always racing with the demons in my head. I get lost in my own thoughts,I keep comparing myself to people I look up to and all I’ll be is dissatisfied with my life.if only I could live life differently.

I sometimes hate that am too nice to people that don’t deserve my attention,I hate myself for being kind and giving my love to people who only gift me a broken heart in return.

I’m usually quick when it comes to tearing myself down ,assigning myself the title ugly or dumb or incompetent, and it’s interrupting my ability to live my life, interact with people, go to school,I need to believe more in myself and my strengths, but I don’t know how to get there.

Two faced or true faced?! I don’t know what’s right anymore,should we be afraid of being judged for who are and what we believe is in or we rather sink ourselves in the societal norms of what’s right and what’s not.?

Isn’t it amazing how you are attracted by the way a person talks ,walks,smiles and generally their existence.

We paint this beautiful and perfect scenarios in our heads every time we think of them,we want them to be perfect.

We don’t allow our perfect imagination to get glitches and crashes.we want to fix every single mistake,we want to make sure things are exactly as they were in dream land .

Are we really,attracted to the person if you can’t allow them to be flawed and not the perfect character you imagined,I believe every one has a vice or two and may be not be very proud or at all proud of it.

Does it mean your Prince Charming turns into a frog the moment he can’t afford the Brazilian wig ,our friend ,suzzana got from her boyfriend ?

The funny girl you met last month is now less of a rib cracker cause you learnt she likes pineapples on pizza and prefers something stronger than tea to start her day?

I don’t know but,Should our flaws give us new names? Does it mean we get less attractive for being flawed ? I wonder why they chose to walk away, the moment they get to know you ,for who you really are and not the person they assumed you were!?

The last time he left,she cried more than the words I love you were said to her,

Everyday was grey,he dimmed her light and black became her happy color,

Scrolling through her gallery,Determined to clear any trace of what she believed belonged to her,

Reminiscing on what was, every happy memory turned into a nightmare,

She blamed herself for beings gullible,if only the red flags were brighter,

Wounded and heart broken she gave up on her fairy tale dreams and firmly believed no man deserved her!

Dear boyfriend. I’m not sure if you’re out there or you’re just one of those wild dreams that never come true…but if at all you exist,have we met ?probably not,Incase we have I’m sorry it took me a while for me to realise how much of a great pair we would soon be,if not soon I won’t mind meeting you later cause you would probably be worth the wait.

I sometimes sit and imagine how we shall meet,would it be as magical as the ones I envied the last time I watched those romantic movies?I can’t help but to wonder if I’ll have to knock down your books for us to meet,maybe I’ll meet you at your regular coffee shop trying to compose a poem.I would probably like,or maybe you would be reading one of your favorite books,would I maybe get to meet you through a mutual friend? whichever the case I’ll just be glad to have met you

Sitting here I can’t stop but to wonder what are some of your favorite things to do?do you enjoy sunsets as much as I do,is coffee your cup of tea?would you be a better dancer or we’ll both have to be ashamed whenever we have to dance in public,would you rather stay in and enjoy a good book,tv show or maybe you would prefer going out with the boys and catch up over a beer or two,I wonder what happens when something upsets you,there’s so much I would love to find out but that shouldn’t be a problem for I’m sure I wouldn’t get bored with you talking about yourself.

You would probably be the first boy I would get to know,I want to know your favorite color but I’m mostly interested in your thoughts about life and I obviously won’t mind finding out how much the dark freaks you out,I want to hear your life story ,the first time you fell in love, the crush you knew was never going to work out, the first time your heart broke. All of it. I would love to listen to them all. I would share every bit of my story with you as well. That will be quite amazing. Interesting, isn’t it?

Incase you are hoping for a girl that’s as perfect as the girls I see on Instagram,well, I’m sorry to disappoint.I at times resemble a sack of potatoes.. I cry more than once in a day, I laugh a lot too,but my laugh can get very loud and annoying,I at times get as blind as a bat of course with out my glasses am automatically blind,I sometimes make the best dishes but at times we’ll have to eat out .speaking of food, I sometimes spill food on my shirts as I eat,still not disappointed? l’m glad you are not.

Despite being all flawed, I just want to let you know, one thing that can’t go wrong with me is my love for you,I am going to love and cherish you everyday and every moment we get to share.

Just hang in there honey, I will find,love you and promise never to let you go.

With lots of love and hope, Your girlfriend.

Ps.ill be the luckiest girl if you insanity matches mine,Nothing can come between two people who are crazy and In love I believe ❤️