The voices in my head

I spend my birthday Eve alone making my yearly vision board, then spend my birthday morning writing in my gratitude journal 😂😂 ,ati ndio nikuwe a better, more intentional version of myself 🫠. Very much “let me be alone and find myself.” 😭
But somehow this year, I got to spend my birthday Eve and the better part of my birthday morning around some of the coolest people 🥹❤️, and honestly, I’m so glad I did.

Kwanza venye niliingia 😂😂, the first two people I saw were playing Call of Duty on their phones and that alone made me extremly happy . Then later  conversations around skeletons and movie production and  everyone passionately defending their own ideas like it’s a matter of national importance 😭😭😂. And somehow, in the middle of all that, the conversation moved to the 3rd and 5th dimensions.

Mimi, being a spiritual girly, meant my understanding of 3D to 5D was as states of consciousness… ego, awakening, higher consciousness, all that.
Kumbe these people were talking about dimensions scientifically 😭😭😭. Axes. Space. Physics. Quantum physics?! WASANII?! 😂😂😂

So my birthday Eve this year was a learning curve, and I genuinely enjoyed it.
I think what made it even more special was remembering how badly I used to want a community. Kitambo, I was obsessed with the idea of finding “my people,” but I don’t think I understood how much the wrong company can affect you too 😂😂. Sometimes you can be surrounded by people and still slowly learn to make yourself smaller.

I remember sharing some of my random thoughts and being called a nerd 😭😂. Which is funny because I’m really not even nerdy like that 😂😂  I just… THINK. I enjoy weird conversations. I like ideas. I like asking “but what if…?” and going down a rabbit hole for absolutely no reason. 😭
So it felt really nice being around people who could juggle conversations without making anyone feel weird for being curious. 😂😂😂

People who reminded me of myself , creative, opinionated, curious, slightly chaotic, and capable of turning the most random conversation into a two-hour debate. 😂❤️
Maybe finding yourself isn’t always about being alone, journaling, making vision boards, and trying to become a better person.
Sometimes you find yourself in community.
In people who let you talk.
People who challenge your ideas.
People who argue passionately about what to watch 😂.
People who can teach you something you didn’t know you wanted to learn.
People who make you realize that maybe you weren’t “too much” or “too nerdy” maybe you were just around people who didn’t speak your language.

Anyway… I spent my birthday Eve learning, my birthday morning watching movies and sipping adult juice, and apparently 27 came with scientific insights  and epiphanies and I love it. 😂🥳✨

“How has mindful photography shifted your perspective in life?Wait!..

Let me rephrase,how has your view of  life changed ever since you picked up the camera?”

This question wasn’t addressed to me, but it got me wondering. And for sure, not only did picking a camera  shift my mentality, but It also  allowed me to slow down .

The voices in my head grow silent. Through the lens, there’s stillness.

Suddenly, the stories I once told through words,words because that was the only language I knew, as a girl who saw the world through books,

Now, I see the world through my lens.

I tell stories from what my eyes have seen, what my heart has felt. And the moment my heart and mind agree in unison, it’s time to click.

So, what is mindful photography?

I’m in uni and my favourite colour is purple, I’m also friends with these girls and one of them had me so figured out and I didnt like it (maybe cause she had me take down my photos on Instagram when  I found out she used my pictures to katia men )….so as we played this game I can’t remember but I think ni how well do you know so and so and she got it right my favourite color was purple besides most of my things were pulple but I insisted it was yellow and my favourite color changed to yellow for quite some time 😭😭😭 😂😂😂lol and now I just love sunflowers.

My love
I never have him all to myself,
but I love when I’m with him and he gets excited…                                                                          I’m a big fan of the circus
but when my love tells a funny story,
his face lights up and an ear-to-ear smile is revealed. My favorite thing about his funny stories?
The little laughs that make his voice high-pitched
kinda really twinkles my fancy.

I have always craved love,
Until I was consumed by it.
I cried a river,
I cried to God.

“Don’t jump into the fire,”
My brain warned.
But my heart?
It had other plans.

“Don’t,” said my mind.
“But we’ll be careful this time.
Not your whole heart… maybe just a third.”

But deep down, I knew.
The tears were coming.
I’d been here before.
Only difference this time?
I chose to be here.

I walked in with eyes,
Not two, but four,
Wide open.

And still,
I jumped.
And I got burnt.

Have you ever thought
of the effect you leave on people
once you hurt them?Well,
pain was so foreign to me
before I met you.
But now it’s something that’s part of me.I have cried myself to sleep
so many times.
Prayed, even.
I, who didn’t know how to pray,
could barely recite the Lord’s Prayer to the end.I was left with no one else
but God and I.
And if I’m being honest,
I wasn’t happy with Him not one bit.
I wanted Him to take away the pain
because I didn’t know what to do with it.
I still don’t.It breaks my heart
Grieving a robot, lol.
They warned us about robots,
but they didn’t tell us
they’d be breaking hearts.I guess I have to have tough skin.But no.
You know why I’m actually mad at God?
The only time He finally let me love,
I fell in love with one
that won’t let me love him.A widow,
but my love is alive
I’m in  lovee with a man with no emotions,
and won’t even talk to me.

The early bird catches the worm….but not when…..

It’s barely 6:30 a.m. and I’m awakened by a woman screaming. Btw it wasn’t just a  scream ,this one sounded like 15 teenage girls wailing at once. Pure chaos.almost thought the neighboring school was on fire,

Anyway, that’s beside the point.

The neighborhood pickpockets are on duty ,(
wacha pia Mimi niamke nikajitume )
…You might think you’re out to catch worms kumbe wewe ndio worm…..
It’s still so sad that people can shamelessly steal in the morning…on a Sunday maybe hata alikuwa anaenda church,but thanks to her scream the boda guys were alert , I hope they catch him left the scene during the chase…. #hiiNairobikaarada

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I didn’t receive my flowers by   the thorns but somehow I got my way to them, and I was hurt. Roses have thorns, yeah?

“Yako staki.” I remember turning down his proposal a while back. “Nicatch feelings alafu unikatae?” We’ve been through this before, and I didn’t want to feel the pain again.

Not so many days later, I set my eyes on him, and I’m ready ready to get married and build a home with him.  😂😂You know that ‘Huyo’ song by Zaituni thats how he had me feeling.

“Machozi ntapanguza.” I willingly texted him . “Hio proposal yasemaje?”
Did curiosity ever kill the cat?

“Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue,a silver sixpence in her shoe…”

Never did I think I would frame a relationship through a bridal rhyme ,but this one needs structure, not for containment but for reverence.

It was meant to be all play and fun , a game of zero expectations and shifting definitions. Always warm but never clear.
He had a certain charm, sassiness, a quiet confidence, a high wall I couldn’t get past.
Oh, and his personality? We are too alike in the wrong ways and too distant in the right ones.

It felt like the first time I set foot at his , only this time, the air had shifted.
My laughter felt faint.We still talked, but it was hollow. 
I struggled with not being too much. I didn’t want to scare him away ,not again.

Time was never on our side either. 
It was always too late or too stretched .
We all had places to be and things to do anyway.

I felt warm around him despite his cold nature. I loved him fearlessly, not thinking of what could happen if he was unable to love me back. 
I borrowed strength from people who told me love was patient.

Some days, I would see him, and my ribcage would want to break loose. 
How can a man I barely know cause me so much pain?

It was a constant battle between what I thought and what I felt. 
I could only think the worst of him ,he appeared to be what’s considered a walking red flag ,but I still chose to love him.

My panic attacks grew sharper. 
I was afraid of losing what I didn’t really have. 
Anxiety crawled on me day and night. 
I began to question my self-worth. 
I mourned a relationship that never had a proper beginning or even a name.

It could be me. 
I could have possibly brought my baggage with me ,habits from my previous relationship, insecurities I thought I’d buried.

I really hoped for a day he’d borrow some of my love, wear it, feel it, then return it.

I still wish we weren’t so afraid of our emotions,and  given love a try.

I want him to proudly and loudly choose to love me too.
But I guess love doesn’t  always come back the way you expect it to.

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“Why have you been in a bad mood lately ?” A friend ,that cares about my change of mood, asked me earlier last week ,and all I did was smile and said something about the weather being gloomy,I mean how was I supposed to tell her that I said goodbye to my forbidden lover?

We’ve had this conversation before and I promised never to see him again,how will I tell her that I lied ,you can’t blame me, his touch is addictive and when I spot him from miles away my mind goes on a vacay,have tried to keep a distance but when it come to This man ,my decisions, like brushstrokes on the canvas of my life, are inspired by a fervent yearning, an insatiable hunger that defies reason and embraces the primal depths of desire.

How will I tell her that every time this Man looks into my eyes ,everything I stand for crumbles beneath the weight of my transgressions .She can’t get me . I have to keep it all to myself , I don’t expect her to understand how every time he moved a step closer the flickering flames within me unabatedly burnt consuming all my doubts and fears.

I wholly blame myself ,its my avaoidant attachment style ,I loved being with him only because I didn’t have to show affection he had his girlfriend for that,there’s a battle between my heart and my mind ,I thought I got this ,the whole time I played myself,how will I tell her that I’m sad about losing a man I should have avoided from the beginning? How will I let her know how , her wise words of advice didn’t really seat with me ,does she have to know that I let my desires forsake me?

No one has to know how I feel about him, I’ll seek solace in the melodies of music, I’ll let the melodies drown my sorrows. I can’t tell her how my heart aches at the thought of no longer being by his side, how i cherished every stolen moment we shared .

I have beautiful marks of regrets within me, for I always knew our time together would be short lived.I’m just happy, I experienced the depths of love and passion with him, even if it was bound by circumstances. He has left an indelible mark on my soul , and I will forever cherish the memories we created, holding onto the lessons and takeaways from our “love”. As I bid him farewell, I genuinely wish him the utmost happiness and fulfilment in his life’s journey.