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Of heart desires

Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.
~Tupac shakur

Dreams are a fruitful way to think of experiences and our future life .Everyone has a cherished aspiration,you might be dreaming of a car you like,travelling the world, graduating from school,having a happy family or even just getting to to talk to your crush,its obviously different for everyone

We talk about our dreams to our friends and family with great enthusiasm about how our future life would be with hopes that they would stick around long enough to see us achieve our goals.

Yearly, we all are quick to write down what we would like to achieve by the end of the year, we are also happy to tick out some of our achievements from the previous year,yet we have to rewrite some of our goals yearly hoping for things to be easier and better during the new year but that shouldn’t stop you from dreaming.Delayed achievements shouldn’t be enough reason to keep you from your dreams.

This year instead of feeling sorry,guilty or sad for not reaching some of your goals, instead take your time and think of some of the things that might have blocked you from your goals,is it something you could improve on,was it out of emotional blockage ?

What’s on your wish list this year ?Mine is to acquire eternal peace,be full of love and joy .maybe be  a little nicer .

As a ten year old my biggest goal was to be grown and rich now that I’m grown not rich yet of course, I’m twenty something now and my definition of rich has shifted I still want the deep pockets though but I rather be rich by heart .

As you keep dreaming big or small,I’m wishing you a greater year one filled with lots of love and joy.

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Tomorrow

I am sorry I wasn’t In the mood for human interaction today,I needed some time to breathe , I am sorry my smile hasn’t been part of my outfit,I am sorry I didn’t make you laugh today,I am sorry I almost drowned in my own tears,I am sorry I wasn’t your ray of sunshine today, I am sorry, Tomorrow I’ll be good,I’ll put on the warmest smile and I’ll be more than willing to share my loud laugh with you,I’ll dance to your music,I’ll brush my teeth and my hair too ,I’ll put on that beautiful dress I’ll change I promise. tomorrow I’ll be good.(I hope)

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Loud introvert

My friend just called me a loud introvert,just because I don’t really enjoy having a lot of people around me and yet I don’t keep my mouth shut, not around my closest friends always I would be ready to talk and probably laugh about a meme I came across, a book I read,a movie I didn’t like and probably my amazingly crazy life encounters.

To be honest I really don’t think I’m an introvert.I prefer the term ambivert.I am high-key a story teller and not just on paper.I’ll always be talking about this or that.

Someone said that’s uncommon for most “writers”and “poets” and I didn’t really find it necessary to correct his statement,to be Frankly honest,I have never really owned any of those titles,but I do know my teachers thought I was really good at writing but let’s face it.I was only ten maybe thirteen. I feel like my love for the subject ( English) really played a role.

A few days back I came a cross a writing prompt,”why I write”to be honest I feel like I only write when I have no one to vent to.I write when I have no one to talk to.I write when sad nigga hours choose to kick in, that explains why most of my writings are emotional train wrecks.Soon,I am not sure when,but soon enough I’ll probably write about unicorns and rainbows.

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To my Love .

In about two months from today marks two years since I was aware of your existance,At that exact time you definitly were the best thing that might have happened to me ,now, looking back you probably are the worst thing that have come across in my 20 almost 21 years of life .

You barely cross my mind lately,but today morning poetic justice by Kendrick Larmar rose your ashes, why am I like this? Ever since I met you everyone else became non existant , and after you left they all turned to prawns on my chessboard.

I remember how we would confide in eachother during our aimlessly strolls in a barely known environment to us both, I remember feeling warm and safe in your arms , how you pulled me away from the road to ensure my safety.how you would laugh at my not so funny jokes, how you would pull me away from cars that drove towards me, why don’t I throw myself at a moving vehicle now that you aren’t here, cause what’s the point?

I must admit I miss how you would take me to heights of happiness without even trying, after you left I drove myself to peaks of madness ,I turned bitter towards everyone and almost everything and would cry myself to sleep.How I Stared at the only picture I had of us and in between sobs I would ask God to take the pain away.

What was is it with you anyway? You were awkwardly skinny, your fashion sense unremarkable, and your shoes ever dirty. You were defined and disformed by your previous afflictions .But I loved you.I loved how you gave me all what you had to give, money you didn’t have, time you couldn’t waste , I loved that I had all your attention.

You were my world and after you left it all crashed down.In case you’re wondering how I turned out after my heart was as empty as a purse with only two or three coins.I filled up the space with your not so admirable traits. I baldy shaved my hair, I am overly sarcastic, I lie, I lie about where I am or who have been with, I lie to people that I love them and even go to an extent of showing just how much I do, I act like I care but I don’t.and when i get bored my mind wanders to you and how perfect you are.I dont cry anymore mostly cause my tears ran dry after a whole year of shamelessly tearing up for you.

I like what am gradually turning to but at times I get scared of being you.Have been called names , have been accused of being mean and ruthless yet I sleep like a baby at night.Nights that have dreamt of you hoping to see your face when I wake up.I miss you.

The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark, less sharp version of truth, similarly I really can’t get a sharper glimps of what mighy have happened between us,but am sorry for not giving you my all when I had the chance.Because all I ever wanted was the best for you .I LOVE YOU .

Aagh sh*t here comes the tears again.

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21.

Its a month to my birthday and I’m not really sure how to feel about it,I can tell I’m not excited about it,I am turning 21 and I don’t think I’m ready.If only I was 12 again,that wasn’t my best year either but I don’t mind reliving it.

Growing older is inventible and I believe change is part of the problem,when I was 12 my only problem was the changes that comes with adolescence and probably my maths homework.

Now that have existed for two whole decades I have realized that as we grow older we are entitled to pick and follow our own paths that aren’t that smooth,everyone is likely to come across a rough patch and how you choose to cross it might have a great impact upon your life.

The best way to be alive is by living a life that’s true to yourself ,are you a good person cause you want to be one? Or are you a good person because you want to be viewed as one?, this is one of the many questions I keep asking myself.

I can’t be the only 20 year old that isn’t sure of who they are ,well I do know what I like and the kind of people I enjoy spending time with but there’s a lot I don’t know,but I do know where I want to be in life and I have a vague idea of what will get me there but there’s much I still have to know.

I feel like have lived through a 1/4 of my life and its truly not an easy task,I wonder how my autobiography had to be the hardest thing I have to write.if only growing younger was an option.

It bothers me that life is considered parrarel with cyclic events,we all are born to live and live to die.

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Joyful conversations

It’s the first day of the month,third day of the week.Normally I’ll be excited or maybe not,I am not sure of what mood I would have had,if I wasn’t stuck at home.In my previous years,during this specific time of the year marked the beginning of the other half of the year.Today is when I’ll would probably go back to my resolutions. Normally, disappointed for not meeting my expectations .This year ain’t any different apart from the fact that I can now shelter my failure to achieve bla and bla under the alien that’s invaded the world.

So i’m going on with my un eventful day telling a friend of Mine how lately have been feeling overwhelmed and tired.catching up with another friend on how her baking skills are getting better . Nothing pretty unusual was happening ,I have my earphones on and you can tell I’m enjoying the type of music that was playing ,you could tell cause I was singing along as my head did that thing it does when euphonic music is playing .

It’s around 8.30pm when I decide to switch my phone on, (it wasn’t off off but you know when you pretend to be on a plane and intensionally a set your phone to flight mode? No? I do that karibu kila saa) soo I receive this phone call from one of my favorite friends and out of no where I think it’s safe to say I was walking on sunshine the whole time I had her on phone I don’t know if it’s cause she’s full of this bubbly nature or it’s cause she’s a good friend and I love her.

I really enjoyed talking to her mostly cause she believes I am a star and she repeatedly reminds me that I am a woman 😂, that’s supposed to make Me stronger I don’t know how it works but ,hey ,I truly am a woman.

I enjoyed every bit of that conversation even though most of it was us complaining about our miserable love lives, we added a bit of fashion tips here and there and maybe we mentioned something about nani *we found unusual and laughed kidogo about it.

I just love how open and free we can be when we are together, and how our phone conversation are only cut short by that beep that reminds us we didn’t have enough airtime . I’m really glad she called today.

Ps. The only reason she’s not my best friend is … we still don’t know what it’s takes to be one,lol we both are really miserable no wonder we have so much In common ,we don’t think having BFFs is really necessary.

But I still love her to Rongai and back!!❤️❤️.

I thought I should add that she’s really beautiful with long beautiful hair and an amazing personality. Now you know why she’s my friend ,mostly cause of her personality and her undying love for the ARTs!!..

Okay am done know! 💛💚🐥✨🌼

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Friendship

Have been trying to understand what the word friendship really stands for lately, in my mind I had the general idea of it being an unbreakable bond between people with a common interest or habits.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that sits and thinks about life and how some past situationships and relationships turn out,I find myself reminiscing on the good nights and days I got to spend with my friends and how loudly we would laugh if one of us told a joke.

When I was younger I would really cry if someone didn’t want to be friends with me anymore and I would really wonder what I did wrong to deserve the brutality,I mean I was still an innocent child that only wanted a friend to play with but now that I’m older I’m learning that we have three categories of friendships,we have friends for a season,reason and lifetime.

If only things could turn out differently between A,B,C and l?if only I took a different approach,Maybe I should have written a letter,maybe I should have used better words to explain myself ,I don’t know but maybe I shouldn’t have said it the way I did,just maybe?

I believe that we should definitely do all that we can do to save a friendship or relationship that we value, however if it becomes draining it’s okay not to try too much,besides not everyone is meant to stick around forever,as much as not everyone enjoys watching their friendships fade away there are times we just have to let the ship sink.on the bright side we get to keep the lessons and memories with us ,if you are lucky you probably have a few pictures that have stories about your friendships and this situations help us grow and they pretty much strengthen us.

Friends that are for a reason only pass by our lives to teach us a lesson or help us grow and probably strengthen us ,the same thing with the seasonal friendships but we have friends that turn to family the friends that are ready to stick by you no matter what.friends that choose heart over matter the friends that still choose you even when you have no heart.

People come and go,it’s not really something that you would want to happen but it happens,and if you don’t try and stop it from happening you might get peace.In my opinion if you let those reason and seasonal friendships go you probably won’t lose everything but you will have gained memories,lessons and you probably have experienced growth .

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The art of life 💕

The most beautiful thing about life is that we get to coexist with everyone and everything regardless of their age,size or beliefs

Don’t you think it’s amazing that strangers might meet in the bar and still start a conversation,a photographer and a sniper who just bumped into each other in a bar might enjoy their shots of tequila debating about taking a perfect shot .

I don’t know how You might feel about this,but I actually think it’s wonderful how we try to share hearty laughs and put smiles on peoples faces despite being on our low days.

It’s beautiful that we get to tap our emotions from staring at a color,it was just the other week that I actually learnt that bright colors might trigger hunger,hence explaining why most fast food joints are painted Orange ,yellow am not sure if green is also bright but it was on the list.

I actually think it’s amazing how we can actually travel the world on a low budget just by maybe reading about that city,culture or even country you’ve always wanted to visit some choose to travel the world through food and I think it really is beautiful.

Don’t you think it’s actually wonderful that everyone is born having a soulmate?the problem only comes when you have to find them,here I am proudly thinking that anyone passing by humming my favorite song must be my soulmate.

You only have to treat life as a canvas and paint your own reality to achieve euphoric emotions

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Jaded

Have been holding on with palms bleeding from unhealed scars.but my hands are sore now ,my vision blurred by the tears in my eyes. With only traces of what I believe was love,I reluctantly walk away .

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Us🥀.

Have dreamt of ‘us’ once

Laid out priorities but still wild and preposterous

You being a blessing and not a curse

Lost in our own universe

Being each other’s muse

Secret rendezvous without a care

Wrapped in my arms as I untangled your hair

Being all yours and still giving all reasons to stare

With nothing but Love to share

Nothing but bliss to bear

But We exist in the real world and such dreams don’t work out here