The voices in my head

“Why have you been in a bad mood lately ?” A friend ,that cares about my change of mood, asked me earlier last week ,and all I did was smile and said something about the weather being gloomy,I mean how was I supposed to tell her that I said goodbye to my forbidden lover?

We’ve had this conversation before and I promised never to see him again,how will her I tell her that I lied ,you can’t blame me his touch is addictive and when I spot him from miles away my mind goes on a vacay,have tried to keep a distance but when it come to This man ,my decisions, like brushstrokes on the canvas of my life, are inspired by a fervent yearning, an insatiable hunger that defies reason and embraces the primal depths of desire.

How will her tell her that every time this Man looks into my eyes ,everything I stand for crumbles beneath the weight of my transgressions .She can’t get me . I have to keep it all to myself , I don’t expect her to understand how every time he moved a step closer the the flickering flames within me unabatedly burnt consuming all my doubts and fears.

I wholly blame myself ,its my avaoidant attachment style ,I loved being with him only because I didn’t have to show affection he had his girlfriend for that,theres a battle between my heart and my mind ,I thought I got this whole time I played myself,how will I tell her that I’m sad about losing a man I should have avoided from the beginning? How will her let her know how her wise words of advice didn’t really seat with me ,does she have to know that I let my desires forsake me?

No one has to know how I feel about him, I’ll seek solace in the melodies of music, I’ll let the melodies drown my sorrows. I cant tell her how My heart aches at the thought of no longer being by his side, how i cherished every stolen moment we shared .

I have beautiful marks of regrets within me, for I always knew our time together would be short lived.I’m just happy, I experienced the depths of love and passion with him, even if it was bound by circumstances. He has left an indelible mark on my soul , and I will forever cherish the memories we created, holding onto the lessons and takeaways from our “love”. As I bid him farewell, I genuinely wish him the utmost happiness and fulfillment in his life’s journey.

Love is a mystical and yet powerful force. it has you dancing on sunshine and when the music stops, you’ll be crumbling down with no one to hold you, you have to be strong enough to pick yourself up and mend all your broken parts. But that shouldn’t stop you from falling in love, I don’t know about you but to me, love has to be the most beautiful and exhilarating experience. when I’m in love I feel alive, I’m whole and complete when I’m in love.

Today I’m in love, with my ‘lover’, I feel lost and found, I have no better words to describe what I feel, I know I’m in love but this time I’m uncertain, I’m not familiar with what I feel towards him. Ever felt at home away from home? I feel safe but still afraid, afraid of both the known and unknown.

I was excited to see him again, I could feel his energy around me, and every time our eyes meet I get weak to my knees, I try to ignore his presence, but his masculine energy is so enticing, His presence?! a feeling I can never forget.

His voice calms my soul, when he speaks I find myself staring at his lips, memories of the night we first kissed cross my mind, I love the command his voice has even when saying the sweetest things. And when he says my name and his Adam’s apple moves, I lose it, I just love everything about the way he speaks, the day he told me about his other lover I wished for a mute button, and I wanted him to stop.his words have never pierced through my heart as they did on that day.

I knew he was bad for me but that didn’t turn off my burning desire for him. The other woman existing stained my love with fear and uncertainty a never-ending conflict between my emotions and the voices in my head became a part of me. I would have internal debates with my morals, I wanted to fit social norms. unfortunately, or was it, fortunately? I hadn’t recovered from the drowsiness I got when I hit my head falling for him, there wasn’t a way I could make sane decisions not when I’m stupid in love.

He tried to warn me but It was too late, no one could save me, I didn’t want to be saved, Forgetting that love was a dangerous game, I played the game without the rules in mind, I don’t even know when it stops, I’m not even sure if my intentions are winning, losing or am I playing just for the thrill of it.

I didn’t want to dive this deep in love with him, what I thought was a little crush grew bigger than the ocean and now I feel like a scuba diver that can’t swim back to the surface. I’m lost but yet I feel found.

I love the smell of weed on him, it smells so divine mixed with his perfume and a hint of sweat. I love how he is with me, the way he would ask to hold my hand on the road, how he sometimes puts his hand around my waist as we walk, I put his hand away most times but I like it when he holds me, I can barely control my breathing when he is close to me. I love everything about him, but mostly his crooked cheeky smile. He gives me life. He’s everything I live for.

I want to know, I want to know if ‘my lover’ feels the same when I’m around him, I have so many questions I could ask, why does he have a helmet hanging by his door? Why does he still have his 2021 calendar? What’s so special about 2020? Does he want me to compete with women that were already in his life? I want to know about his girlfriend, I want to know what he thinks of her, I want to know everything but what’s the point while he’s not mine to keep?

I wanted him all for myself, I should have asked him earlier but I wasn’t sure if he felt the Same, is it too late cause he met another that he loves more. the one he’s bound to spend the rest of his life with.

I want to have him forever, our love is a secret we both need to keep . I find myself smiling when he calls, my words fail me every time but I’m happy when he calls, I want to call him always but what if it’s not safe to call, I want to spend the weekend at his but I don’t think that’s a great idea either.

I love him but I don’t belong in the shadows, I want to be loved loudly, and at the same time I want to experience his love forever, for him I don’t mind when I’m kept secret. sometimes I want him to take me places, I want to be with him around his friends, outside the four walls of his room. I want to be part of him.

All I need is love, I want to be free with him, I want to be loved by no one else but him, despite my doubts and fear I still fall deeper for him daily, I want to know when is it safe to confess my love to him, I don’t want to ruin what we share, I guess its only safe if I bottle my feelings, he doesn’t have to know, besides what change will it make? He’s found his better half that’s not me.

I finally feel loved and safe, although our love should be kept hidden, despite the obstacles and challenges that come with my love for him, I finally feel like I belong, his love feels like home, and I feel like I’m where I’m meant to be. wrapped around his arms on a lazy Sunday evening.

Love is confusing, love no longer feels safe, I pray for guidance, I don’t know what to do next, and I know I won’t regret when things don’t work out between us.our love is messy, complicated and challenging, love is a choice, love needs perseverance, I guess that’s the beauty of love. I just have to focus on the good.

I know we are not good for each other but I’m already addicted to his touch, I need to find myself before I get lost in his eyes again, I know he’s not mine to keep but I can’t help it, not all bad things are bad for us.

I know I might be emotionally damaged neither am I good at being affectionate but I want to put my guard down ,I want to experience love,the kind they sing about,I wish my love life was like in the movies.For how long should I wait for my ‘Prince Charming?!’

The luo are the fourth largest ethnic group in Kenya,The name luo originated from Joluwo which means those who follow the lake.Their name was derived from the word lolwe which means lake with no end, then lwo and lastly Luo. Which was easy to pronounce,just like the English men luos also have pronouns a female Luo is known as nyarluo while the male is Jaluo. Which means people of the luo.

They migrated from Sudan and settled in the western part of Kenya ,around the eastern shore of lake Victoria.Nyanza came as a result of reffrence of the lake region by the Giriama people Nyasa which was bantu language for the lake people,When the Giriama who where the british people’s potters went to the western part of Kenya they found people who would squat in the sun and they named them kaa virondo. The luo kavirondo are luos found in Tanzania.

They left lower savanna grass lands for higher and cooler regions with reliable rainfalls they moved in four distinct groups which were joka Jok,Jok owiny,jokomolo and the luo abasuba (Jo )translates to people of. There are now 26 luo clans in Kenya.

joka-jok(people of jok) ,Jo(People of) were the first luo group to enter Kenya from northern parts of Uganda.They came from Acholi. They compromised of jokarachuonyo,jokabondo,Jonyakach,Jokanyando,Jokadem among others .they settled in present day Rachuonyo,Nyando,Homabay,and parts of Rongo districts,

joka-Owiny came from Jo padhola .Owiny moved from Uganda to settle in sogoma.they include josakwa,jouyma joseme,joAsembo,Jokajulu and Jokisumu Alego with his group they settled in present day siaya and parts of kisumu ,Nyakach and south Nyanza.Jo owiny occupied near gat Ramogi /Ramogi hill in Alego.Alego was the first to move eastwards from Got Ramogi’s ancestral home,He crossed River Yala and settled in a place called Nyandiwa,where he faced resistance from some concocted smaller Bantu tribes which had sworn not to allow the Joka-Owiny -and Joka Ramogi to set foot in their territory,But Alego had superior force which overcome the kombe kombe group .The kombe kombe were people who ran across river Yala and settled in Yimbo.

Jok omolo arrived later from northern Banyoro.they include Jo-Alego,Jougenya,jogem and Joyimbo they.settled temporarily in ibanda and Bukoli before moving to ugenya and gem areas in siaya district,the last immigrants were the jokager who were related to the Omolo luo and their leader was Ochieng waljak fer a formidable leader who with advance millitary skill drove away from omiya or Bantu tried living in present day Ugenya around 1750AD.

the abasusba they were originally Bantus that interacted with the luo they are a mixture of bantu refugees from Uganda such as the buganda and Busoga who intermarried with the luo,They were assimilated into groups such as jokaksingri,jokaswanga,jogwassi ,jokamasengre among others. they settled in lake Victoria islands of mfangano and Rusinga and also in gwas area.They occupy Migori,Mbita and suba district.

They exchanged various cultural practices with the bantus they interacted with such as There traditional emphasis of cattle keeping was replaced with farming and increasing of crops in their economy.The Luo of Kenya share cultures, including names, food, rituals, and dispute resolution mechanisms with Igbo of Nigeria and Ghana; the Tutsi, Hutu and Bahima of Rwanda, Burundi and DRC; the Maban of Chad and Sudan; the Anywaa, Jur Chol, Shari, Naath, and Shilluk of Sudan and Ethiopia; the Kamam and Nath of Eritrea; the Padhola, Tooro, Langi, Acholi, and Jonam of Uganda; the Gambrela of Ethiopia; the Alur of Uganda, Democratic Republic of Congo, Cameroon, and Central Afrikan Republic.

The luo’s speak in Dholuo which is a nilotic language that is classified as a nilo-saharan language.

Kibera.The city under the sun,the heart of our very own Nairobi,a fusion of different cultures with a sense of communism, home to thousands of families since pre-colonialsm.a place full of hope and despire.

Kibera.A discord of children crying, laughing and singing,all in perplexing melodiousness.the non stop buzz from the vendors on the street, a town filled with hustle and bustle during the day and dull silent nights filled with dreams ,dreams of a better tomorrow,faded dreams and lived dreams ,A town full of silent cries and loud laughs

Kibera.A vibrant community full of talent and gifts, the undying zest and motivation, a place where you have to press your creative buttons and find a way out of the pits of poverty. A place where you have to keep watch of your valuables or you might easily lose them to that one person with the sticky hands,a community full of heroes and villains.

Kibera,A blend of beauty and chaos,but roses have thorns too they say,the daily resilience and never ending strength to fight against poverty is what keeps everyone going, the enemy is and has always been poverty, a place where communities are built In the face of adversity.a place where love and kindness is found in the most unexpected places, a place where the good outlooks the bad .

Kibera.A place of contrast ,a place where the struggles are real but humanity prevails,a place where dreams are valid.

Another day another blog about myself and I kid you not this is harder than I thought,maybe if I took time to self reflect and just try and interact more with myself this would have been easier ,if you only see me shouting out one of my favourite lines by nyashiski “nimeconfirm mi najijua!!”turns out out hakuna kujiajua najijua but Today things are about to change ..so here are 20 facts about me if I don’t make it to twenty then just assume sinanga mambo mingi,so I here goes nothing.

.I’m 5’9 tall.yes I’m a tall girl.

. I love blueberry cakes

.I’m an ambivert

.I enjoy watching vlogs on YouTube

.I’m always dreaming and thinking of the beach

. my favourite artist at the moment is Rum gold

.I love South African shows.

.I want to be rich and successful.

. when I’m sad I watch sitcoms

.I’m shortsighted.

.sunny days make me happy

.I have 2 cats

.I’m nice

.I love all my friends

.I can’t sing

I can’t dance

.smokie buns are my favourite snack.

.I love and enjoy Accostic music

.I can’t wait to get to the 20th fact about myself

.I ran out of facts .

That was a hard one ,whole time I’m thinking of reasons why a stranger would want to read random facts about me.

I haven’t done much research about personality traits but according to google, personality traits exist to pin down peoples characters and behaviours,the five personality traits is a theory developed in 1949,the personality traits described on the article I read were extroversion,agreeableness,openness,conscientiousness and neuroticism.I feel like I have all the five personalties,I am just glad I only have to write about the ones I’m proud of, I honestly don’t like that I could be neurotic,that’s my least favourite.

1.openness – openess includes imagination and insight.If it means being open minded then I’m proud that that’s a trait I have, it allows me to explore more and learn about things I couldn’t have learnt if I wasn’t eager about what happens when “this and and that ninis”… I don’t know if my habit of waking up with a new everyday also counts as being open to new ideas but if it does then I’m proud of the fact I allow myself to try and be bad at things with no shame whatsoever,don’t they say we have to suck at something to be good at it? I am proud that this is a trait I have cause its allowed me to have new skills and now I know random facts about things and places. I also love exploring the internet and all the new apps there can be.

2.agreeableness –agreeableness is having prosocial skills.I’m an empath who is emotionally intelligent, I feel like I’m emotional ly intelligent because, most times my friends come to me when they need someone to share their woes with also one time a friend even said to our common friend that she loves the fact that I know what say whenever she’s going through anything.Knowing that I made her feel better on her bad days and even happier on her good days!? Well it’s true a little kindness does go a long way,I also work as a social worker and its something I have always wanted to do for the longest.I’m proud that this is a trait I have because it makes it easy for me to be affectionate and kind to everyone around me.

3.conscientious –this involves high levels of thoughtfulness,and good impulse control,and goal directed behaviors.I’m not sure if this counts but I plan my days,I have to write down things I need to do everyday because I sometimes get carried away and forget to get things done so it only made sense if I had a to do list,to me that’s a goal directed behavior,the joy that comes with ticking things of my to do list is unmatchable,I sometimes procrastinate but I always ensure that the things I intended to do are done and completed ,I also think I have good impulse cause I’m careful enough not to intentionally hurt people with my words and actions, I am proud of this trait because it helps with my organizational skills and I get to be the one that plans dates among my friends which gives me a chance way to pick that joint have always wanted to try.

I wish I had my friends involve to tell me what traits best describe me,but its to late to involve them ,Selfassesment wasn’t that hard now that I have a vague understanding of what personality traits are.

Everyone has their own guilty pleasures,We enjoy certain activities which are considered taboo or unadvisable ,it could be things as simple as having junk food for breakfast.

I promise I was brought up correctly and the good morals were instilled in me,how I ended up here is a mystery.My guilty pleasure is around 6’5 tall ,skinny and fairly handsome,I can’t walk away from this situationship.

I know he has a girl and yet my face still lights up every time I see him,I get butterflies every time he calls my name ,I blush everytime he stares at me ,am I a bad person for falling in love with a man that had a girlfriend and I didn’t find out through funny ways ,on our first little date ,he made sure I knew I wasn’t the only one .

How am I this comftarble with being “the other woman”,am I stupid in love or just stupid?I love being around him.I have never been this comfortable around a guy,he allows me to be myself , he kisses my forehead, and makes me laugh ,I don’t think anyone has made me feel as beautiful, with him I’ve been more cormftable with my sexuality and I have learnt to embrace my femininity.

I know things might go sour ,I am aware of what might happen, I know he’s not here to stay ,I know the other girl has won his heart, she’s so put together ,she has her life figured out ,she cooks and cleans for him too.I have been in a relationship before but things with him are just different.

I know I shouldn’t be a “home wrecker”but to my defense,The man let me in ,they aren’t married yet and they still don’t share a house,I’ll probably need to cut ties with this man by christmass, I can’t wait for a day when I’ll be loved correctly by a man that’s not for everyone.deep sigh***