I didn’t receive my flowers by the thorns but somehow I got my way to them, and I was hurt. Roses have thorns, yeah?
“Yako staki.” I remember turning down his proposal a while back. “Nicatch feelings alafu unikatae?” We’ve been through this before, and I didn’t want to feel the pain again.
Not so many days later, I set my eyes on him, and I’m ready ready to get married and build a home with him. 😂😂You know that ‘Huyo’ song by Zaituni thats how he had me feeling.
“Machozi ntapanguza.” I willingly texted him . “Hio proposal yasemaje?”
Did curiosity ever kill the cat?
“Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue,a silver sixpence in her shoe…”
Never did I think I would frame a relationship through a bridal rhyme ,but this one needs structure, not for containment but for reverence.
It was meant to be all play and fun , a game of zero expectations and shifting definitions. Always warm but never clear.
He had a certain charm, sassiness, a quiet confidence, a high wall I couldn’t get past.
Oh, and his personality? We are too alike in the wrong ways and too distant in the right ones.
It felt like the first time I set foot at his , only this time, the air had shifted.
My laughter felt faint.We still talked, but it was hollow.
I struggled with not being too much. I didn’t want to scare him away ,not again.
Time was never on our side either.
It was always too late or too stretched .
We all had places to be and things to do anyway.
I felt warm around him despite his cold nature. I loved him fearlessly, not thinking of what could happen if he was unable to love me back.
I borrowed strength from people who told me love was patient.
Some days, I would see him, and my ribcage would want to break loose.
How can a man I barely know cause me so much pain?
It was a constant battle between what I thought and what I felt.
I could only think the worst of him ,he appeared to be what’s considered a walking red flag ,but I still chose to love him.
My panic attacks grew sharper.
I was afraid of losing what I didn’t really have.
Anxiety crawled on me day and night.
I began to question my self-worth.
I mourned a relationship that never had a proper beginning or even a name.
It could be me.
I could have possibly brought my baggage with me ,habits from my previous relationship, insecurities I thought I’d buried.
I really hoped for a day he’d borrow some of my love, wear it, feel it, then return it.
I still wish we weren’t so afraid of our emotions,and given love a try.
I want him to proudly and loudly choose to love me too.
But I guess love doesn’t always come back the way you expect it to.
The voices in my head 