Am I going through a crisis?

Is it grammatically correct to put tags on a title? (In case I’m not a warthog then I guess 😭😭 lol, but sometimes I tend to forget, to be referenced kama nimewrong 😅). But in high school, the word going round ni only poets were allowed to break the rules so today I’m a poet, lol. (All this just to defend my title)! **[Attach reaction photos]**

Okay, enough with the story za jaba. A hello from Naeku and I suddenly want to be 14 again. *Shivers* High school was somehow depressing. **Deep sigh**.

When I was 14 and “holier than I am now”, that’s when I first met Diana. She vowed to be friends with me to the grave… yeah… we even pinkie swore and had it all on paper.

I would always write, draw, and hate on someone in high school. Lol. It explains why I never had any of my notes. In primary, it was the diagrams that were missing. “I really think about Robin sometimes… ooh and his best friend too… two funny boys those ones. I wonder if they can still make me laugh if I ever bump into them. I wrote about drugs and used, ‘an idle mind is the devil’s workshop,’ in my writing to add spice to it.” Me, myself, and I, that was the title… I was going to publish it, but someone stole my book, and I was too lazy to ever rewrite.

I wrote about loss, alcohol, cigarettes, parties, their consequences, the devil’s workshop… and Diana left a comment. She literally commented below and I didn’t have to ask her to!?!. The first time someone that wasn’t my English or Swahili teacher left a comment after my creative writing ‘hobby’ endeavors. The first time someone wanted to be friends with me because my writing “touched her”. I know, cause she said she felt sorry for me after reading it. Well, she didn’t have to, it wasn’t based on a true story…

I didn’t know when I’ll last see her, but I was glad to have unstrangered her the way I did. It’s her choice of words that spread into my memory forever, like, for example, the teacher that said with every inch a snail covers, it grows. The stranger that said “ile unaona ni green unaeeza fwata upate imepakwa rangi.” In my head, it translates to the grass is greener where you are. My mind wanders to the man I once spied on from Kiongozi’s rooftop, who’s never been outside for more than a decade. My guess is he has a million questions. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again.

At 24, I rarely write for fun now. I want to be paid to take shots, and my most curious encounter with a stranger now is when they voice something I don’t know or shy from acknowledging, especially about myself. Strangers are uniquely placed to do this, it’s never their similarity we find compelling, but their differences.

To take a break from my own melancholy, I took a break from writing, but I love Diana and I remember how she’d always be there to help me solve my math problems. I really hated those Sunday morning papers. She made school bearable. If only I could live life in reverse and rewind to all the moments we shared together 😂😂 lol dozing through our agriculture class. But life has no rewind button, and I’m stuck in the present.

I want to be 14 so I can write from my imagination. I don’t like writing like this cause it feels a little bit too honest.

Baada ya dhiki faraja, those were the words she left for me to find. These past years have redefined me, my desires, goals,I have a change of heart. I can feel it, the perception I have of myself, everything has changed but those words still give me hope more now than they did then.

We can change how we deal with our emotions and thoughts, but we can never change the inherent feeling we get left with after, like happens. Feelings of anger, insecurity, pride, and jealousy.

Three years down the line and I’m still haunted by the unpleasant truth that love is meant to hurt. This is probably why love tokens in the shape of teddy bears, hearts, chocolates, and roses are also the things you give sick people recovering in hospitals.

Baada ya dhiki faraja, the words that keep me sane. A promise for a better tomorrow, a life free from the anxiety and uncertainty that comes with our 20s. Recently, I watched a video about anxiety on TikTok, and one of the remedies was to be decisive, so I have decided to be honest. If you’ve watched Triangle of Sadness, then you know how bad the storm was and everyone was sick in their stomach. That’s how I feel when I have to write, should I write about this, would they read it and perceive me? I write my heart out and now have been cruising in the dark.

My twenties have humbled me quite gracefully. I had so many plans of everything I thought I would have been. Plans for my future, I thought I knew what I wanted out of life. I don’t have it in me to fight, I can’t fully connect to anyone. I can only love the things I know are constant in the sky. I lost myself along the way and weirdly that’s when I felt more liberated. I love dogs now.

My twenties were meant to be fun, but instead, I’m unearthing traumas and unlearning everything I thought was the truth. I have learned to be patient not only in traffic but also with myself. At the same time, I feel like life’s spiraling down. It’s the confusion about what’s about to happen next and how to make it make sense.

At this very moment, I have my doubts on how much more I can really handle. I also don’t like the person I am now. I’ve turned to those people that compare themselves with their peers. I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing. But from my point of view, everyone is getting whatever it is that they want and I’m just here. I’m tired of the wait and I want to get my faraja already. I work hard, I’m a good person, but at this point in my life, it feels like nothing is ever going to go right! Very pessimistic, but hey?! It’s darkest before dawn, I suppose.

I have gone through so much, but again, I feel like I haven’t lived enough, laughed enough, and loved enough. I am unfulfilled and haunted by some of the choices I make.

I want to reclaim my true self. I yearn to feel the same boundless love and joy I once did. I want to love without hesitation and be the loyal friend my friends deserve. To those I’ve unintentionally distanced, I hope they understand that I’m grappling with my own battles, and I need to confront them alone. Despite the hardships and uncertainties, I cling to the hope that a brighter tomorrow awaits. I strive to live, laugh, and love with a newfound sense of purpose, determined to break free from the shadows of doubt and regret that haunt me. Here’s to embracing authenticity, finding solace in self-discovery, and adulthood, I guess.