Despite the odds.

Love is a mystical and yet powerful force. it has you dancing on sunshine and when the music stops, you’ll be crumbling down with no one to hold you, you have to be strong enough to pick yourself up and mend all your broken parts. But that shouldn’t stop you from falling in love, I don’t know about you but to me, love has to be the most beautiful and exhilarating experience. when I’m in love I feel alive, I’m whole and complete when I’m in love.

Today I’m in love, with my ‘lover’, I feel lost and found, I have no better words to describe what I feel, I know I’m in love but this time I’m uncertain, I’m not familiar with what I feel towards him. Ever felt at home away from home? I feel safe but still afraid, afraid of both the known and unknown.

I was excited to see him again, I could feel his energy around me, and every time our eyes meet I get weak to my knees, I try to ignore his presence, but his masculine energy is so enticing, His presence?! a feeling I can never forget.

His voice calms my soul, when he speaks I find myself staring at his lips, memories of the night we first kissed cross my mind, I love the command his voice has even when saying the sweetest things. And when he says my name and his Adam’s apple moves, I lose it, I just love everything about the way he speaks, the day he told me about his other lover I wished for a mute button, and I wanted him to stop.his words have never pierced through my heart as they did on that day.

I knew he was bad for me but that didn’t turn off my burning desire for him. The other woman existing stained my love with fear and uncertainty a never-ending conflict between my emotions and the voices in my head became a part of me. I would have internal debates with my morals, I wanted to fit social norms. unfortunately, or was it, fortunately? I hadn’t recovered from the drowsiness I got when I hit my head falling for him, there wasn’t a way I could make sane decisions not when I’m stupid in love.

He tried to warn me but It was too late, no one could save me, I didn’t want to be saved, Forgetting that love was a dangerous game, I played the game without the rules in mind, I don’t even know when it stops, I’m not even sure if my intentions are winning, losing or am I playing just for the thrill of it.

I didn’t want to dive this deep in love with him, what I thought was a little crush grew bigger than the ocean and now I feel like a scuba diver that can’t swim back to the surface. I’m lost but yet I feel found.

I love the smell of weed on him, it smells so divine mixed with his perfume and a hint of sweat. I love how he is with me, the way he would ask to hold my hand on the road, how he sometimes puts his hand around my waist as we walk, I put his hand away most times but I like it when he holds me, I can barely control my breathing when he is close to me. I love everything about him, but mostly his crooked cheeky smile. He gives me life. He’s everything I live for.

I want to know, I want to know if ‘my lover’ feels the same when I’m around him, I have so many questions I could ask, why does he have a helmet hanging by his door? Why does he still have his 2021 calendar? What’s so special about 2020? Does he want me to compete with women that were already in his life? I want to know about his girlfriend, I want to know what he thinks of her, I want to know everything but what’s the point while he’s not mine to keep?

I wanted him all for myself, I should have asked him earlier but I wasn’t sure if he felt the Same, is it too late cause he met another that he loves more. the one he’s bound to spend the rest of his life with.

I want to have him forever, our love is a secret we both need to keep . I find myself smiling when he calls, my words fail me every time but I’m happy when he calls, I want to call him always but what if it’s not safe to call, I want to spend the weekend at his but I don’t think that’s a great idea either.

I love him but I don’t belong in the shadows, I want to be loved loudly, and at the same time I want to experience his love forever, for him I don’t mind when I’m kept secret. sometimes I want him to take me places, I want to be with him around his friends, outside the four walls of his room. I want to be part of him.

All I need is love, I want to be free with him, I want to be loved by no one else but him, despite my doubts and fear I still fall deeper for him daily, I want to know when is it safe to confess my love to him, I don’t want to ruin what we share, I guess its only safe if I bottle my feelings, he doesn’t have to know, besides what change will it make? He’s found his better half that’s not me.

I finally feel loved and safe, although our love should be kept hidden, despite the obstacles and challenges that come with my love for him, I finally feel like I belong, his love feels like home, and I feel like I’m where I’m meant to be. wrapped around his arms on a lazy Sunday evening.

Love is confusing, love no longer feels safe, I pray for guidance, I don’t know what to do next, and I know I won’t regret when things don’t work out between us.our love is messy, complicated and challenging, love is a choice, love needs perseverance, I guess that’s the beauty of love. I just have to focus on the good.

I know we are not good for each other but I’m already addicted to his touch, I need to find myself before I get lost in his eyes again, I know he’s not mine to keep but I can’t help it, not all bad things are bad for us.

I know I might be emotionally damaged neither am I good at being affectionate but I want to put my guard down ,I want to experience love,the kind they sing about,I wish my love life was like in the movies.For how long should I wait for my ‘Prince Charming?!’